David The Swedish Exchange Student, Give Me Back My Friend

This is a plea to David The Swedish Exchange Student (DaTSES).  He is spending the year with my friend Sue, her husband Ed, and their two sons Evan and Erik.  And a tortoise named Trevor, though Trevor hibernates for 6 months.  Lucky Trevor.  At least HE won’t have his heart broken.

Anyway, you would have thought Sue’s life was already a full and fulfilling one.  Two wonderful children, a doting husband, and a great group of lovely friends.  We all thought we were meeting her needs, but apparently not.  So one day, out of the blue, he shows up.  David.  Wavy blond hear, blue eyes, charming smile.  He shows up, AND TOTALLY TAKES OVER!

Suddenly, Sue turns into his Stepford mom.

“Sorry, I can no longer make the get together at Colleen’s new house…because David qualified for CIF in cross country this week!!!   We just found out he’s getting an award at the Serra Cross Country banquet!!!

“I would love to do a holiday cookie party for my biological children and their little friends, but instead I am hosting a foreign exchange student potluck, because NOTHING is more fascinating than Foreign Exchange Students (FES’s).

I thought Swedes were nice.

So now I am brushing up on my Swedish, because I have a few choice things to say to DaTSES.  I translated my remarks into Swedish so I am sure he understands.  DaTSES, I AM SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO YOU!

“Varför vill du inte köra fort tillbaka till Stockholm, du body snatcher.”

“Why don’t you hightail it back to Stockholm, you body snatcher.”

“Dessa köttbullar ser läckra.”

“Those meatballs look delicious”

“Är detta vägen till Fjuckby?”

“Is this the way to Fjuckby*?”

Give me back my friend, David The Swedish Exchange Student.

Snälla.  (Please)

*Fjuckby is the name of a village in Sweden.  The residents applied to the National Land Survey of Sweden to have the old name of Fjukeby, a variant in usage until the 1930s, reinstated.  Fjuckby contains both the rude Swedish word “juck” and its more recognizable English equivalent.  The government agency denied their request.  (http://www.thelocal.se/9322/20071206/)

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My friend Sue The Stepford Mom (SuTSMo), saw my blog post and wrote a long comment/screed in response.  See the comments section below.  She also sent along these potential Christmas cards, asking me my opinion.  I think she meant them as a rebuttal, but sadly they only serve as horrible confirmation.  Excuse me now, I have to go plan the intervention.

Wait, did she say David has a brother?!?

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6 Comments

Filed under Humor, Tierrasanta Tattler

6 responses to “David The Swedish Exchange Student, Give Me Back My Friend

  1. tibst

    I do miss my friend, Sue, at TGIFs and other fun, non-FSE events.

  2. Fan! Förlåt Mo, var inte meningen att ta Sue ifrån dig. Tar jag verkligen upp så mycket tid? Den mesta tiden går nog åt till matlagning. Att laga en extra måltid kan ta tid. Jag skulle vilja säga att allting faktiskt är Evan’s fel.

    • This is the translation provided on the web: Damn! Forgive Mo, was not the intention to take Sue away from you. I really take up so much time? The most time is enough to do cooking. To prepare a special meal can take time. I would like to say that everything is in fact Evan’s errors.

  3. This is from Sue. She asked me to post it to my blog. She apparently can’t figure out what the “Comment” button is for…

    Dear Jealous Friend,

    Of course you are still my prettiest, tallest, smartest and longest-haired BFF who I totally admire. You rock tattered jeans, ugg boots and thrift shop worthy, mid-drift T’s better than any other 45+ year old that I know and you are smarter than Mrs. Kelley’s entire 5th grade class combined. That being said, why are you not smart enough to see that nurturing this gracious, funny, intelligent, blonde athlete brings me joy? Would you begrudge me this tiny ray of sunshine? Listen here, I read the entire Twilight series in 2 lousy weeks and wrung my hands through all 4 movies in a record 3 nights! This obsession, however, has the potential to play out for an entire year! And, I don’t have to put up with any damn wolves!

    I beg to differ with your assertion that I have become a Stepford mom catering to my blonde, Swedish son’s every whim while ignoring the plaintive cries of my dark haired bio-kids. On the contrary, I have not deserted my own…I’m just letting them spend quality time with their father since I have been unable to do that of late (since August 24th at 2:00pm to be exact, when David’s flight touched down).

    If your angry missive against Sweden and its unnaturally attractive citizens is the result of petty jealousy, I urge you to rethink your accusations and take matters into your own hands. Somewhere out there, a young, innocent, foreign student is waiting for you to show him the wonders of American life (including Boy Scout campouts and visits to the trash dump). Your very own FESH (Foreign Exchange Student Hunk) to pamper and squire about town. I urge you to curb your OOCBB (outrageously obsessive and compulsive, bitter blogging) and get a real life!

    P.S. David has a brother in Sweden.

    P.S.S. Could you do me a favor and weigh in on the attached Christmas card ideas that I’m toying with.

    Sincerely,
    Your True Blue, Admittedly Distracted, (But Absolutely Unwilling to Snap Out Of It) Friend Sue.

  4. Susan Knight

    Mo & Sue, you are NEVER allowed to leave Kumeyaay. The world will be so boring without you! I’m so glad I got to hear the back story on this.

  5. Yvette

    I’m not sure which one of you nuts is funnier! I want my very own Swedish HUNK and PLAYMATE! David – is your brother available? If this is what happens when you turn “50,” bring it on!

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