S.W.A.C.K. (Suburban White American Commando Kids), an elite and relatively unknown (by design) security force, have been pressed into service for the 2012 London Olympics. G4S, the company contracted to provide over 10,000 guards for the Olympics, has admitted it will not have enough guards for the event, forcing British police and armed service members to fill in. In a state of panic, British Prime Minister David Cameron has reached out across the pond to enlist the services of this somewhat unusual group of security experts. Says Prime Minister Cameron, “Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, please send S.W.A.C.K., or we will be 100% gobsmacked!!!” Since it is summer and school is out, the team has agreed to come to the aide of America’s mates in London. But just who are these experts, and what skills will they bring to the table? A short bio on each is below:
Jane – The Little Gourmet
Not only does she remove your liver with a spoon, she fries it up in pan and serves it with some fava beans and nice Chianti. Just lemonade for her though, another 16 years until she’s legal to imbibe. Think it’s impossible for a cherubic blond-haired blue-eyed angel to be a killing machine? Think again my friend, think again.
Rhodes -Scar Face
Already battle-hardened by years of jungle fighting in the Democratic Republic of Congo (pity the man that gave him that scar), Rhodes is a take no prisoners, do what ever it takes to succeed beserker. Nicknamed the Grave Digger, after his favorite monster truck, Rhodes is the boy you turn to when you want results and are not worried about collateral damage.
Grace – Say Grace, Say Whatever Prayer Comes to Mind, Because Your Goose Is Cooked
An all around sportswoman, Grace can kill you as easily with a baseball bat as she can with a golf tee. Her job at the Olympics will be to blend in with the athletes, looking for trouble. If you are trouble, pray she doesn’t find you.
Lily – If Looks Could Kill, or at Least Maim You Socially So Badly That You Want to Die
Don’t let her apparent lack of interest and total absorption in her phone fool you, she is deadly. Make the wrong move, say or wear the wrong thing, and you are dead to her. Dead to her, dead to everyone, just plain dead. So go ahead, try to get too close to the Slovakian synchronized swimming team, make her day…
Emma – The Monkey
Gifted with supersimian climbing abilities, she will spend her time in London looking down on everyone. Her headquarters will be on top of the Millennium Wheel, or will it be Big Ben, or the London Gherkin? She wouldn’t really be a member of an elite and deadly security force if she told you that, now would she? Just know that she will be there, somewhere high above you, watching, waiting, wondering what’s happening over at the Olympic Park…Emma!…pay attention!!!
Sam – 50 Lashes with a Wet Pool Noodle
An aquatics expert, nothing, not even a great white shark, delivers a death-blow with more efficiency or ferocity. His main focus at the Olympics will be the River Thames, and that super nice hot pool the high divers use to warm up before and after their dives. No one escapes his double noodle forward triple flip inward reverse pike with a half twist, no one!
So the international sporting and spectating community can sleep easy, rest assured, and put away the Xanax, because S.W.A.C.K. will be on the job in London. Not to sound too much like a Brit, but you will all be safe as houses. Let the games begin!